I don’t think I have many friends left. Well, I don’t know that I ever had an abundance, so I can’t say the amount has depleted. I have less friends than I have had at times in the past, shall we say. Or it feels that way because friends I’ve had in the past are not very close friends anymore, but if I were to take stock I’d find the number of close friends remains about the same because I make new friends.
I’m trying to make friends. What an interesting phrase we use for that. I’m not making them from scratch, they’re already there, people, so what I am trying to do is create, or change, my relationship with them into something we’d call a friend.
Making the first move is always nerve-wracking, isn’t it? You’ve developed some kind of relationship with this person to start with, but at some point one of you will have to make a definitive move to indicate what type of relationship you would like with this person, asking, literally or not, if they would also like to continue the relationship in that direction. Like taking a workplace comradery from the office into the outside world of friendship. (Or asking someone on a date, obviously, but that’s boring.)
Sometimes it is a very literal ask; “Would you like to hang out?” Or you do it with a series of subtle tests, like seeing how often or quickly they reply to your messages, or being a little flirty and seeing if they reciprocate. I went with the former. I asked two people from the Break Up With Your Bullshit group if they’d like to have a Zoom date. (Both of them in one group message, because they are already friends.) I put it on my task list and kept bumping it, until finally one day, I composed a message in the Notes app, decided it looked good, and then sent it. As far as “putting myself out there”, sending a friendly message to two people with whom I’ve had only positive, albeit brief, interactions with so far isn’t high risk. My procrastination wasn’t because I was afraid of being rejected, exactly. It’s more like the fear of success (that we often think is fear of failure). If I sent the message and they did want to have a Zoom date, then I’d have to actually make plans and keep them and socialize, probably awkwardly, with two people I hardly know. Not even sending the message meant I could keep things as they are. I guess I decided that an awkward friend date would be better than no friend dates.
I’m also really making an effort to make Zoom dates with the friends I already have. It’s genuinely difficult to maintain a relationship with anyone that you don’t effortlessly see everyday, like at work or school. You have to make plans. You have to make the time. You have to prioritize your relationships if you want to keep them. But relationships are a team effort, so if you’re not both prioritizing, it’s not going to work.
When I wonder what happened to my close friendships that aren’t so close anymore, it’s easy to blame the other person for not putting in as much effort as I did, but it’s not that simple. It’s easy to get lazy at your friendships when social media tricks you into feeling like you’re part of each other’s lives, but really you’re just seeing theirs through Instagram stories. Then again, sometimes you drift apart for fair reasons. I think my drifted friendships are due to changes in our lives, values, priorities, interests. One day you’re hanging out with a friend or in a text conversation with them and you realize that you don’t want to talk about the same things, or you no longer see things the same way. The spark is gone. You may want to make an effort to keep you two together, but you may just let it go. Life is short. No reason to keep mediocre, or borderline toxic, relationships around when there are more sources of happiness to be found.
Oh, they said yes, by the way. Our Zoom date threesome is this weekend.
I know who my Best Friend is.