When something really BIG and amazing, like “Wow, how can this be happening to me?!” kinda big, happens to me, I get appropriately excited but then my brain smushes it down and once it happens, it’s no longer a big deal. As if it’s saying “Well, if this is happening to me, a nobody, it can’t really be that BIG of a thing.” Like the first time I was on the radio as a film critic. Being on the radio is, like, a BIG THING! How exciting! I was chosen to do this! And then I did it and it was like, well, who cares it’s just local radio for ten minutes. And then I was on the radio a few more times and it was always a little exciting, but then it’s done and, wow my life isn’t any different so it must not be a BIG thing.
I was on the radio again last week (no big deal) to promote *my* new film screening program “The Female Gaze”. Ya, *my* program. Like, I created the idea, wrote an unnecessarily complicated 9-page proposal, showed my “bosses”, they said “Ya, let’s do it”, I reworked the idea to simplify and make it work better, I found a film and a guest, created all the social media/marketing, hosted the talk, and… I did it. Something I dreamed about for a long time and then spent months developing (perfectionism- what a waste of time) actually happened. Not exactly as I first dreamed (thanks, Covid) but it happened. But it also wasn’t really a big deal, it was just my job.
Maybe it’s just that I build things up in my head too much and reality is just not as exciting and glamorous. And other people don’t care about what I’m doing as much as I do, so that really brings me back down to earth. I’ve also presented panels at Ottawa Comic Con, which seemed like a very BIG THING when my friend Juliana and I were preparing to do our first one, but then you see all the faces in the crowd and to them you’re just another mediocre panel to kill time at the local Comic Con. It could be that when the impossible becomes possible it loses its star power. What’s so exciting about being on the radio, or local TV, or doing an Ottawa Comic Con panel? Anyone could do it. I’m not special. Maybe that’s how famous people acclimate to their fame. Just one BIG thing at a time, each thing becomes the new normal level, and each step just another normal step up, so no one ever really truly feels the immensity of anything they’re doing because once you’re the one doing it, it’s a totally reasonable, possible thing to do.
I really wanted that program to be a success; sell lots of tickets, open us up to a new audience all over Canada… But we only sold 45 tickets. Let’s just say I was not dancing around to Ariana Grande’s “successful” like I had hoped. Did I feel like a failure? Yes. Did my colleagues make me feel like a failure? Absolutely not. I put that pressure on myself that if it wasn’t a smashing success, that it meant I was a failure as a programmer and would lose the trust and confidence of my team as a programmer. My confidence has taken a hit, but I keep reminding myself that my colleagues/superiors loved the film and the lack of tickets was due to marketing (it’s a new world of online screenings out there!), not my programming.
Another part about being excited for a BIG thing about to happen, and maybe the adverse reaction, is having friends support you. Or not. I thought that all my posts on my Instagram about the program coming up got the point across to my friends that this was *my* program and it was a very exciting, very BIG thing for my career. I expected more support, from IG DMs to ticket orders. But only one of my friends got a ticket. And I was being really pouty and bitter about it. But at one point I had a bit of clarity and decided it’s not good to just be silently mad at friends for not doing something I wanted them to do without specifically having asked for their support, so instead I shared a friend’s post about her work that she was trying to get the word out about. Sharing is caring, as we know, so it made me feel a bit better. But in the end, I still have *issues* with friends, but that may just be me and my *issues*. That’s another blog post…
So, I’m maybe a failure and maybe I have unsupportive friends. Or maybe I just added a BIG thing to my resume and maybe I need to learn to be more vulnerable and reach out to friends when I need their support.
See you next Tuesday, failures.
I’d take 87%.
Sharing is Caring: There is a Doctor Who Yule log video! It’s on the TARDIS and a Jodie Whittaker stand-in walks on once in a while to warm her hands by the fire or something. (I have a fireplace video playing on my TV non-stop November-January, so this is a cool change of pace from the one I have.)