I’m not horny but I love how horny Fleabag (the show, the character) is. I love how horny Fleabag is because that is her truth. That is what drives her. It is what brings her joy and also ruins her life. That’s why we love Fleabag; she pursues what makes her feel alive even at the risk of mess and pain. It’s powerful. Her feelings are powerful. It’s masked with humour and confounded by drama but when it slips out in an honest moment, it hits us in the gut as we look at Fleabag and know her pain.
When I first thought that I’d rewatch and write about Fleabag, I was remembering it differently. I was just thinking about how horny Fleabag is and isn’t that great that she’s doing what she loves (and we get female desire front and centre on screen) but upon a second watch, I remembered it’s actually sex that fucks up her life the most and she knows it. She is drawn to this thing that also has led to or been a part of the worst moments of her life.
She might be the best role model for the worst reasons. She doesn’t hold back her desires. Which could be an admirable way to live one’s life, but Fleabag combines it with a lack of consideration for what following her desires is doing to the people around her. She causes scenes, she exposes secrets, she says things just to provoke people. When she cries at the end of Season One, she’s aware that following her desires has ruined so much of her life. But she can’t help it. She thinks she needs sex to feel loved and wanted, even though it usually gives the opposite.
Fleabag just can’t help herself. She can’t keep herself from fucking her best friend’s boyfriend. She can’t keep quiet at a silent retreat. She can’t not punch a man who very much deserves to be punched. She can’t keep herself away from a priest. She can’t respect his choices and leave him alone. She goes after what she wants. It’s clear she wants to fuck Hot Priest, but she couldn’t possibly want a relationship with him. She’s pursuing someone unavailable. The ultimate unavailable; not just emotionally or geographically. Not just “taken” by another woman but “taken” by a personal and spiritual commitment stronger than his own desire for her. She sets herself up to fail and make a damn mess along the way. For he is, not only a priest, but the priest marrying her father to her wicked stepmother.
I can’t help but wonder (oops- I’m Carrie Bradshaw) if Fleabag is pursuing the ultimate unavailable person to punish herself. Maybe she doesn’t want to be happy or improve her life because of her guilt over Boo. Like she subconsciously can’t let anything good come from having sex when the worst thing imaginable was as a result of her having sex with the wrong person. So she will pursue a relationship that can never happen so that she can be utterly wrecked by it, as she feels she deserves.
When she says goodbye to her audience at the end of the series, it feels like she’s saying goodbye to her self-indulgent and self-destructive ways. As if she no longer needs her imaginary audience to secretly speak to because she’s no longer going to be an utter piece of shit and need to defend herself to her conscience/audience.
So, Fleabag isn’t my role model. I don’t want to fuck everyone and anyone, punch bad men in the face, or hurt my friends and family. But watching Fleabag makes me want to more boldly live my truth and be honest with people. It makes me want to pursue my desires more aggressively and to be a better writer because fuck me up Phoebe Waller-Bridge with this amazing shit, god damn.