I had a dream last week that I hugged someone. A big, long, warm hug. It felt so good and I didn’t want to let go. Like, this hug started for you but now I just need this hug to keep going.
So, we’re into month nine of pandemic life. It’s not exactly solitary confinement; I’ve been seeing a couple friends (one at a time), gathered with some coworkers a couple times (at a distance), and been to my parents’ house a couple times. It’s not such a deprivation of human contact that I’ve lost my marbles, but I’m starting to see the effects of the lack of other social contact. I haven’t met anyone new since March. In normal times, I supervise our screenings which means meeting and talking to lots of people; embassy representatives, patrons, volunteers. I also spend those evenings catching up with our box office staff and volunteers that I see every couple months. I also meet, and usually make friends with, our short-term contract staffers and the graduate students that work for us. No new friends this year.
I rarely have the desire to date, and logging onto dating apps in this world seems laughably pointless, but I always feel so romantic at Christmastime. Starting the second week of November, it’s non-stop romantic Christmas songs (and movies) which I gleefully dance around to and just think the lyrics are so sweet and cute but I don’t put any specific feeling of my own into it; I don’t think of anyone in particular, I don’t dream up an imaginary love to sing Christmas songs at. But this year… Damn, if I can’t stop thinking about cute couple stuff and love and romance and crushes. Not that I even know anyone to have a crush on. I guess I’m just crushing on the idea of a Christmas Crush. (That’s definitely the name of a Hallmark movie.) This is what the pandemic has driven me to; so desperate for new human contact I’m actually longing for a cute date!
Aside from literally dreaming of human interaction, I have been having some very positive, supportive, feel-good human interaction in the Break Up with Your Bullshit Facebook group. I even made a cheesy post about how I feel like, after this isolated year, it feels like I’m ~*making fwendz*~ finally. I’m usually pretty socially reserved, even on the Internet. I don’t interact much because it feels, in a way, more tiring than IRL interaction. IRL can actually be energizing but Internet always feels disconnected and delayed, or just shouting into the void. But this group is just full of 100% positive interactions and it feels SO GOOD to just read them between others, and simply ecstatic to be a part of them. It feels like going up to a new coworker’s desk and slipping them a note that says “Ur kewl. Wanna be friends?” but someone has to make the first move, right?
Well, I won’t be getting any hugs anytime soon but I might make some Internet friends. If nothing else, I’ll always have my Christmas movies to keep me company.
Sharing is Caring: Hello, Canada! I’ve got a screening for you! The movie is The Planters. It’s fucking great. After the movie I’m talking with film critic Di Golding about it. It’s on Dec. 3rd. It’s a whole program thing. It was my idea. I presented it at work. They said yes. We’re doing it. I’m doing it. I am having trouble writing about like what this means to me to have this dream come true??? I’ll work on it for a future TwT. Follow @IFFOttawa for better written posts about it and go to IFFO.ca/femalegaze to get a ticket!