Four score and seven years ago, when this pandemic started, some people expressed that they felt weird watching movies where people were not living during a pandemic. Seeing people be within six feet of strangers, god forbid touching, made them wince. I never felt this, though. Maybe because since the pandemic hit my city and I started working from home, I haven’t been out in the pandemic world much, but I’ve still been spending plenty of time in movie worlds, where no one wears masks or keeps their distance. Even now, my brain doesn’t register a maskless face as abnormal until I put it into context (and run far away from them).
However, I have recently had weird feelings while watching non-pandemic movies in a pandemic, and it’s thanks to my mom. When I visit my parents on long weekends, I end up in the basement with my mom flipping between HGTV and W, the latter of which plays non-stop Hallmark movies. I don’t have satellite or cable TV, so it’s a real treat (I could do without commercials, though, can’t believe we’re still doing that). I used to reserve Hallmark movies only for Christmas, and pretty much only with my best friend so we could make fun of them. But this last weekend of nonstop Hallmark formulaic, nearly identical but somehow always different movies had me thinking about just how non-pandemic they are. It’s not just masks and distancing, it’s the whole situation. They’re always visiting their hometown reluctantly, going from the big city to a small town for a family mystery, going on vacations, meeting people who come into their bakery, reconnecting with old flames. Those are all things that we just can’t do! No more meet-cutes, basically! (Meeting on an app is not cute, folks.)
I’ve never before watched a Hallmark movie and wanted anything close to its scenario to happen to me. Until the pandemic said “No chance!” When you tell me I can’t have something I was maybe slightly interested in, I gotta have it! Look, I hate dating apps (and dating) so, should I ever have a romantic relationship, it’s going to have to get started the old fashioned way. The Hallmark way. I’m pretty set in my spinster life, but I like the possibility of meeting new people, and developing any kind of relationship. I liked that there was always a chance that every new person I met could be a new friend, or, very unlikely, a romantic partner.
And, so, this pandemic, and weekends of Hallmark movies with my mom, has turned me to this; I have written myself some Hallmark movie worthy scenarios that could totally happen to me, if it were not for this meet-cute-blocking pandemic.
(Hallmark, please hire me to write these. Also notice how I don’t use any gendered pronouns- yes, it really is that easy to write queer love stories!)
We score a movie star for one of our film festivals and I bump into them at a cocktail party, literally. They buy me another drink to replace the one I spilled, the charming banter begins, but the party can’t last forever. Will we see each other again before they leave town? Will there be a romantic scene in which one or both of us runs around trying to find the other before their flight leaves? Find out in Love in the Stars.
I’m visiting my friend on her farm where I meet a handsome farm hand. Not really my type, but sparks fly when they teach me to ride a horse. Can I get past the smell of manure and see what a catch this ruggedly good looking cowgirl/boy/person is? Find out in Love on the Trail.
I’m exploring Prince Edward Island, and get lost off the hiking trail. While standing in the forest, looking around, someone hiking (on the trail) asks if I’m lost “Are you on the trail?” I shout down at them. “Yes” “Well, then I’m not lost.” and I go down to join them. We hike the rest of the way together, and almost share a kiss at the lookout, but they are spooked by a noise in the woods. Will the romance last beyond this hike? Will we be eaten by a bear? Find out in Prince Edward Love Island.
I’m very excited to be able to go to one of the top five festivals as a programmer. I develop a rivalry in my head with another programmer who keeps getting the last seat at screenings, or the last meeting with a distributor. I think I’ve finally got one up on them by being invited to an exclusive party, but they are there, too! And they know the host! They wear me down with their charm; they didn’t know they were taking all my opportunities, and they are happy to share and introduce me to all the connections they’re making. But I’m too stubborn to accept help. When I find out a certain filmmaker is there that I'm desperate to meet, I suck up my pride and ask for their help getting a meeting. They set up the meeting, but then it looks like they’ve betrayed me and stolen the meeting for themselves! Was it all just a misunderstanding? Find out in Reel Love.
I’m helping a friend on their short film. One of their locations is a bakery. The bakery owner is there during the shoot and we hit it off while talking about our experiences at bakeries. I come back to the bakery one day for some of those special cookies they told me about. The owner is there and we flirt some more, and I tell them about a film screening we have coming up and suggest they come. They give an indecisive answer. I walk away confused. I keep an eye out for them at the event, but they don’t show. The next day, they show up at my office to say they couldn’t make it to the screening, but ask if they can take me to lunch. Again, we have a nice time and flirt, but still not sure if it’s a date. I find out through a mutual friend that they recently ended their marriage, so they’re gun shy about dating again. Will they be able to open themselves back up to love? Do I want to date someone with fresh heartbreak? Find out in Baked with Love.
I’m in the UK visiting a friend, and I meet up with someone I met online a while ago, who also lives in the UK. We accidentally have the most romantic Irish getaway. Cliches like the car breaking down, getting caught in the rain, having to stay in a charming inn, but there’s only one room with one bed. They have a bf/gf back in London, but we cannot deny our chemistry. Will we try to make a cross-Atlantic relationship work, or will it just be a vacation fling? Find out in Love Across the Pond.