I watched a movie today about a 26-year-old woman who still has her imaginary friend and he kinda starts to become real and is in love with her. Anyway, it was a bit weird but I could relate to it in a metaphorical way. The imaginary (boy)friend. She has to pretend he’s not there around other people but she knows he’s always there, telling her what he thinks, wanting her to ditch this other guy and just hang out with him.
Sometimes it felt like my boyfriend was imaginary. Like he was just in my head. When we were together, he existed in my phone and in my head. And after we ended it, he still lived in my head. When we were together, I was constantly imagining what if he were here. What would we be doing. And, of course, imagining our future together. How we’d spend holidays, trips we’d take, relationship milestones. The longer we were apart (physically) the more he became my imaginary boyfriend. The less he texted me, the more time I had to play out situations in my head with my perfect boyfriend. The boyfriend he would become once he moved back and we could really be together because that would fix all our problems, of course.
There’s a part in one of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books where Lena is constantly imagining Kostas (her lost love) is with her. What would he say to her, what would he do in this situation. Would he be disappointed in her or proud of her. I had that for a while after we ended it. I had spent so long waiting for him to be here, in my life. Everything I did, I thought he should be here for this. I was at my office Christmas party watching everyone do karaoke thinking I was supposed to have my boyfriend here for this. I wonder what song he would have karaoke’d. I wonder if my coworkers would have liked him. It was a mental habit that was difficult to break. But, like everything else that lingered after our communication ended, it just took time to get better.
I really don’t think about him anymore, unless something strongly reminds me of him. (Sometimes I realize that something that used to remind me of him doesn’t anymore and I smile to myself.) I used to imagine often what if he showed up. How would I react? I thought I’d be so overwhelmed with emotion I’d just want to hold him and kiss him; something I wanted for so long. But then what? I’d be so mad at him, I’d just yell at him everything I wish I could yell at him. And I could never consider being in a relationship with him again. Even if I could forgive him, I can’t trust him. More often now, if a song spurs some daydream of seeing him again, I imagine I just tell him to leave me alone. He has no place in my life.
It’s been almost two years since I last saw him and almost a year since he told me he wasn’t coming back. I’m looking forward to enjoying the Christmas season this year without a post-break-up depression.
🎵 I forgot that you existed. And I thought that it would kill me but it didn’t. And it was so nice, so peaceful and quiet. I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference. 🎵
Ya, that seems like a better idea.
Sharing is Caring: I’ve been filling my weekends with movies. Both for work (I have to watch screeners, I’m a very cool industry insider, guys) and for my own enjoyment. You can see most of what I watch on the Rated F Instagram stories. I’m just gonna recommend one to you today; I Kill Giants. It’s on Netflix, so no excuses. It is also a movie that could be taken literally or metaphorically. I think it’s much more fun if she’s literally a giant killer, but you may want to go straight to the child psychology explanation.
See you next Tuesday, my imaginary readers.