I am queer (bisexual). But I don’t feel a part of the “queer community” apart from filling my Internet spaces with queer people. I don’t have IRL queer community. None of my close friends are queer (as far as they’ve let me know). I haven’t made a lot of new friends outside of workplaces in my twenties. I don’t seek out queer events/groups because I don’t seek out any groups because I’m an introvert happier at home or with my close friends, not trying to make new ones. But dating queer women would put me in the queer community. But I don’t really date. I’ve had one relationship with a straight man.
To be blunt, and possibly unfair, I feel I’m being left out of the queer community because i’m not fucking the queer community.
I know I’m not being left out; I’m choosing not to join in. But my point is that, to me, the queer community feels like it’s based around dating. That’s how you meet more queer people and, to an extent, prove your queerness. Because if I were dating and fucking a lot- but only straight men- then I wouldn’t be socializing within the queer community. And wouldn’t even be seen as queer or queer enough by some people.
There’s a whole part of being queer/in the queer community that I’m missing out on by not having sex, or at least not having same-gender sex. A lot of it is stereotypes jokes. But I can have no comment on that; I couldn’t joke with other queer women about what it’s like to date and fuck women. That sense of finding my people, the people with whom I have something in common, isn’t there if I’m still missing out on a big part of being queer.
I recently read Would You Rather? A Tale of Growing Up and Coming Out in which author Katie Heaney describes her journey of discovering her sexuality in her late twenties. (Her first memoir Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date was, as the title suggests, very relatable to me as well.) After she comes out and starts to date her girlfriend, she struggles with finding a place in the queer community; from changing how she dresses to finding queer friends. I usually see this kind of stuff portrayed in a supportive way; let’s welcome our baby gays and show them our queer community. But, like maybe that’s just on the Internet??? Or just for gays and lesbians??? I just can’t imagine anyone welcoming me into their queer world like Hey girl, welcome to being bisexual- it would be like Hey welcome to dating queer women. But I’m like- can I be queer and hang out with queer people without dating them? Or anyone maybe?
Well, this is just another Tuesday of me writing boo hoo I don’t fit in, isn’t it? I guess I’m just struggling lately to find places in media, and real life, that represent those of us for whom dating and sex are just not a priority. It seems like everything is based around dating, relationships, sex. But some of us aren’t bothered and are doing other things. But it can feel difficult to embrace ones queerness without sex/dating/relationship experience to be the common experience within the community.
I’m sure some people won’t understand how I can be so adamant that I’m so queer when I’m not fucking/dating other women (or even trying to date currently). But I am. Very queer. And very sick of queer representation being based on sexual and romantic relationships.
I’m just looking for more from the queer community than hot singles in my area, you know?
Sharing is Caring: I’ve been listening to Pretty Girls Don’t Cry by Anna Akana for a while, but allow me to just share and accentuate the lines Had a boy crucify my heart on Christmas / Spent the new year feelin’ real twisted / But now I’m ten times more ambitious / My career's going motherfucking vicious / And that boy about to be a witness / To the limitlessness of how I kill business which I have been strongly singing along to as I feel lately that my career is indeed on the verge of going motherfucking vicious. (Also, my life is so much better since that messy relationship ended.)
See you next Tuesday, queerdos.