I used to love not fitting in. I would pretend to be things that I’m not to fit in less. I hated feeling the same as the crowd. I needed to stand out and be different and do the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing and be damn proud about it.
Now I'm an adult and I’m not in school so fitting in has a different meaning because adults can make friends of all kinds from all places and find where they fit in. People find a club for people who share their hobby or find a safe queer space or find a neighbourhood in town where everyone looks like them. But because I’ve never wanted to Fit In, I’ve never been interested in those ways of fitting in. And lately I’ve been feeling like I wouldn’t feel like I fit in in any of those types of spaces, anyway.
I feel like I don’t fit in with, like, the world around me. Like, human functioning adults who, say, talk to each other and hang out and go for drinks or go to dinner and eat things and say things and go to movies and on weekend trips and go on dates and get married and I don’t know, actually. I don’t even know what people do because I don’t do any of that and when I try I am just reminded very harshly and I do not Fit In.
At one time, that would have made me proud, but now it makes me sad. I guess now I’m yearning to fit in with people around me. Or just… I want to be accepted.
The things I used to boast about not fitting in like my style or my indie music playlist or my ambition to be a filmmaker in a small town of farmers are now, like- who cares? Those aren’t things peers judge you on anymore when you’re an adult and the world is so much bigger and popularity isn’t a thing anymore. I’m not pouting that I don’t fit in with the cool crowd, I’m feeling like I just don’t fit in with the people around me that I should easily be able to find a place amongst.
Yes, I have a couple of close friends, thank god. And I love my coworkers. But making new friends? Trying to date someone? It seems like I don’t do anything that anyone else does so they can’t include me. But I don’t want to change. So, I guess I have no right to complain about being left out but also I am allowed to be sad when I feel that being myself (what they told us we had to do to make friends and meet our partner) isn’t what anyone wants.
I think my friends put up with me because they know that’s how I am and have accepted it but to new people I must seem like A Lot. A lot of work to find a place to eat because I’m so picky. A lot of hanging out at my place because I’m allergic and uncomfortable everywhere else. A lot of questions about exactly where we’re going and who will be there and what time will we be done. But also like Not Enough. Not chatty enough. Not interesting enough. Not funny enough. Not ~easy going~ enough. The cool people I want to be friends with don’t want a friend who isn’t down for group hangs at a bar. The people I have crushes on don’t want to go on dates with someone who can’t just meet anywhere for a beer.
Look, I just want everyone to like me but I don’t want to do, say, or be anything that people might like. Is that too much to ask?
