My life is pretty good right now. Brag. I love my job; my coworkers are friends, I like the work I do, I see how this job will lead to more work I want to do, and I make enough money. I have close friends that make me feel happy and loved, and I have some new friends that are pretty great, too. It’s summertime; okay sometimes it’s too hot but overall summer is nice. I’m not dating because I don’t want to be, I’m not pining over anyone, and I feel completely over my last relationship. I am enjoying my time that I work on my creative projects, like my podcasts and writing this every week, and feel excited about plans for upcoming projects to start. I feel confident, beautiful, and healthy. Life is good. But...
Even when things are going well and I want to bask in the good feelings of “I have things I used to only dream of having” and “I'm looking forward to these great things that are to come” my Depression Monster™, though quite small during these times, is still there and pokes its head in to say “It’s not actually that great; you’re forgetting this downside” and “That dream will never actually happen” and “Something bad is coming because good things don’t last.”
This was recently brought on by hearing from my best friend that she and her boyfriend had narrowed down their apartment search to two choices, one being in my building. We both were excited about the idea of being able to conveniently hang out (and record podcasts). But I thought “Ah, it probably won’t actually happen; that would be too awesome. That’s the kind of silly fun idea you dream up when you’re little but life is not Friends.” But then she told me that they had chosen an apartment in my building; deposit, lease, and everything. It’s really going to happen. I even said “Ohmygod, it’s like a new phase of our friendship!” But then that little Monster was like “Okay, calm down. It’s not going to be as great as you think. You still won’t hang out all the time; she has a boyfriend she wants to hang out with that’s why she’s moving in with him. This will not be as great as you are imagining it will be.”
And this is what I was referring to when writing about my Core Desired Feeling of Hope and how my depression is characterized by hopelessness. See, even when I have great hope, Depression Monster™ says “Don’t get your hopes up.”
So, I have to remind myself of just how far I’ve come in my life. And that sometimes things do work out. Sometimes the things I hope will be great really are great. When I was done my contract job at the CFI, I wished and dreamed that someday they’d create a new full-time staff position that I would get- and they did. For years, I wanted to take a birthday trip with a best friend or bf/gf to my hometown for nostalgia and for how much I missed the lake- and Juliana and I went and I had the greatest few days of my life. I finally moved out of the basement apartment and I’m still very happy with my new apartment. I wanted to start a podcast to talk about movies but didn’t have anyone to do it with and then I became friends with Juliana. Sometimes things work out and are as great as I hoped they would be!
So, fuck you, Depression Monster™! I’m gonna keep Living My Best Life and not listening to you. Even if things aren’t going to go the way I hope they will, I’d rather spend my time being happy and hopeful than a bummer who can’t find joy in anything. (Remind me of this when I’m fighting SAD and I wish I were dead next January.)
Oh, Patrick. Living his best life, being hella gay.
Sharing is Caring: If you don’t know who Christine McConnell is and what she does; it’s time to get on board. She’s been sharing her spooky creations on Instagram for years, last October her Netflix show (part DIY instructional, part hilarious Jim Henson creatures) The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell premiered and tragically didn’t last, so now she’s making her own show on YouTube, From the Mind of Christine McConnell. If you’re a fan of fancy vintage style and spooky shit, Christine is the lady for you. She might be Morticia Addam’s crafty sister.