So, I’m writing this Tuesday evening because I didn’t think I had anything to write about this week. I usually at least have something on my mind by the weekend, and then it’s just procrastination that leaves me stuck trying to write out my thoughts comprehensively on Monday night or sometimes even at my desk on Tuesday. I haven’t had much on my mind personally lately I suppose because I’ve been busy at work and just watching old episodes of Never Mind the Buzzcocks in the evenings to unwind.
But I love being busy. I like gettin’ shit done. I like feeling accomplishment. I like the approval from the people for whom I am getting work done. I like have a purpose moment to moment. I like crossing off a to-do list. Feels good. Overwhelming sometimes, but then I get organized and delegate and prioritize and feel better.
I’m good at keeping busy at work. I’m not so good at keeping busy at home. I need to be kept busy. As in, having to be accountable to my coworkers keeps me going even when it’s not flowing easily, I gotta get it done anyway. At home, I have no one telling me what to do or making me feel guilty for not contributing. No one is bothered by my pile of dirty dishes except me and I’m not that bothered unless I need a clean plate for dinner. I have no one around to remind me I should practice the piano a little bit everyday. Or encourage me to write that piece about that movie that I’ve been saying I want to write. No fans asking for a new video from me. No deadline on those fairy tale stories I’m working on. Absolutely nothing to stop me from rewatching old tv all evening and then moving my tired ass from the sofa to the bed.
So, as much as I always dreamed of being some kind of entrepreneur/freelancer/independent creator, I’ve only ever half-assed my creative pursuits. It’s hard to maintain momentum when no one cares about what you make anyway. I’d post a video that I worked hard on and really loved and it wouldn’t get any views or comments. So, I lose motivation to continue that series because what’s the point if no one’s watching? As I get older, and more worldly, I can understand more how to combine my creative passions with opportunities that will actually make me money. Like how having a movies podcast led to doing a Comic Con panel which led to doing film reviewing on a radio show. I love doing the podcast, but now I feel okay with it being unpaid joyful work because I can find other ways to use the same skills and interests for paid work.
But the fact remains that self-motivation is difficult and the only reason I’ve kept up with a project like the podcast for four years is because I have someone doing it with me to make me feel accountable. So, find someone to hold you accountable for your other projects, you say. Well, ya, but I am also the type of artist who doesn’t like to share works-in-progress and get feedback. I want to do it all myself and not present it until I’m done and I feel it’s presentable. It’s a very vulnerable spot for me, to share ideas and half-baked plans. Sometimes I know it’s because someone else will shoot down my impossible dreams with some harsh reality and I’d rather stay in dreamland where I can do anything. Ya, I spend a lot more time dreaming of doing stuff than doing stuff. The stuff I dream of doing is way more exciting that the stuff I can actually do, and in my daydreams I don’t actually have to do all the boring bits of work, I just imagine the fun bits.
Okay, now I’m going to either work on a fairy tale story I’m writing or just daydream about making that story into a movie someday…
Hell yeah, Alexis!
See you next Tuesday.