It’s my birthday in two days. I put a lot of expectations on my birthday every year. Every year I tell myself to stop it. But I can’t help it. I want it to be special. I want special attention.
I’m a quiet person. I was a very shy kid. I always thought of my birthday as one day in the year that people around me would pay attention to me and be nice to me because they had to be; all the other kids got special attention on their birthdays. Finally, I could feel some attention and love from others which I needed but didn’t have the personality to demand everyday. The problem with this expectation is that my birthday isn’t just Tish’s Birthday to everyone around me; it’s Halloween. Kids don’t care that it’s your birthday when it’s Halloween. Costumes and candy are far more important. Even as an adult, people were more interested in Halloween parties than my birthday theme party. And then they got too old for Halloween and costumes, so they don’t care to dress up and participate in what I want to do for a birthday party.
All I want is one day a year that everyone pays attention to me and does what I want and is nice to me and gives me things. I mean, I always want attention and love, but I’ve got it in my head that this is the one day I should expect it. So, I make plans. And then I imagine exactly how things will go; herein lies the danger. I put too much expectation on my birthday to be exactly what I want. Everything will go as planned and I’ll have fun and everyone will pay attention to me and say things to me that I want them to say. As if you can plan for what anyone else will do. I do this too much in my life already, but I just really want my birthday to be the one day where things go as I imagine.
But, it’s just a day. I wake up. Alone. Same old. I’ve always taken the day off work (or rather scheduled around it) because who wants to work on their birthday, but then I’m just home alone all day because there’s no one to spend my birthday with when they all have to go to work. Last year was the first year I went to work on my birthday because we planned an office party of pumpkin carving and Halloween cartoons and it would be the first time I could spend my birthday surrounded by friends who like me and would make me feel special. This year will probably be even better because I’m closer friends with some coworkers, and a few friends are able to come over after work for board games.
I went on an eight-day trip to Victoria for Birthday Month, and already bought myself a birthday present (a ring), so I’ve celebrated the big 3-0 enough I suppose. As always, as I near my birthday, I start to lose interest in it because it’s not going to be exactly what I want, and I just want to get it over with so I can start Christmassing. Christmastime never lets me down. It doesn’t rely on anyone to make it special. I can watch movies, listen to music, and decorate my apartment all by myself and delight in it all by myself. I’m not expecting anyone to make my warm and fuzzy Christmastime any extra special this year.
This is all to say: GIVE ME ATTENTION! Always, but especially on my birthday. Thursday. October 31. Halloween. Don’t forget.
Me. I need to be celebrated. I’ve been alive for thirty years.
Sharing is Caring: The Halloween gummy worms at Bulk Barn are very delicious. That’s all.
See you next Tuesday, when I’m in my thirties.